So last night I wrote this. Yes, I’m still working on my history piece! I told y’all it was gonna be HUGE. Anyhoo, while I have received an abundance of positivity, hope, courage, comfort, peace, and understanding since I wrote this…… I have also received revelation and gudinace with a touch of discernment that has put me at ease. However, I personally feel that this writing was too beautiful to not share (in it’s own painfully gorgeous way). Hope y’all enjoy.
The pain, the searing pain that I feel down to the very core of my soul.It goes so much deeper than just bones. It’s an earth shattering, heart breaking and wrenching, soul tearing pain.
It’s the pain that we all find ourselves too common experiencing.
This is not the first time my heart has broken and it surely is not the first time my heart has broken for the reason that it has currently. This time for some reason it feels so much more profound and deeper than before. There is no change that I have experienced, other than rededicating my life to God to explain this, and even with that I have had the protection of God from feeling this emotion as much as I normally would.
I’m literally stuck. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I pray for guidance from God and wait on his word to lead me down the path he has for me, and while I do I ask for peace, comfort, and courage. I use to ask for strength, but I realized that asking for that usually means your going to endure more hardships to make you stronger and I’m tired of hardships for now. Even though I will submit to as many hardships and trials as God wills, asks, and commands me to, right now I just need to breathe and get some of it out.
I’m a lonely person. Now there are many different ways to interpret this and I’m sure only the ones who truly feel the same way that I do and have will understand it. When I say lonely I don’t mean I’m lonely because I’m always alone or that I enjoy having people around me or being social the majority of the time. Because I don’t, for a Christian I really have a hard time not hating human interaction. What I mean to say is that even when I’m around people I’m lonely. Even if it’s the people that I care the most about and are suppose to return those feelings. This I suppose explains one of the reasons for my anxiety because I’m perpetually alone. Don’t get me wrong that’s not a bad thing all the time. I enjoy my alone time when I have the house to myself or when I do something by myself, I need that for my sanity and for my time with God, but when I want that human companionship especially the soulmate kind that you get from being married and it’s not there, it’s completely absent; I’m left feeling torn and tattered and used.
You see I have never truly experienced what it is like to not be this kind of lonely. I have God yes, and I know he is always there and always will be. That he will never leave me or forsake me. That should be enough, that should be plenty, it should be overwhelmingly sufficient. When I got married though I assumed that this feeling would finally leave me or at least temporarily. Since I am a military wife I knew that I was going to have to experience a lot of loneliness, but not this kind, not the kind where he is right there, yet he is so far away, where no matter what I say or how I try to articulate my words it will never be enough to convey the sheer pain and fear I feel. That’s when my ego is low enough to share these thoughts and I feel safe enough to trust him with these words. That usually ends up being a stupid idea for various reasons.
This time it’s all different this time I know, deep down, in my heart of hearts that this is God willing me in his direction for me. Though I may not know what direction that is yet, and if this is simply a test of my marriage or if I’m meant to not be married right now, I know that either way it’s going to get very messy and very ugly before it gets better. Simply because right before your biggest breakthrough comes your hardest struggle. “Don’t grow weary in well doing and faint not so you may reap your reward”. I sincerely hope this isn’t me growing weary and that it’s okay for me to have normal human emotions. That it’s okay to allow myself to feel the utter agony and torment that feels like my chest caving in, my heart being ripped out from chest, and my bones that are suppose to protect this precious jewel shattering all around, while the rest of me slowly sags and disintegrates into millions of tiny ashes. Although, my mind is still intact for every single tiny little detail of an emotion. It’s completely excruciating and irrevocably terrifying.
Part That’s Holding On- Red
East to West- Casting Crowns
Oceans- Hillsong United
Wrong Side of Heaven- Five Finger Death Punch
Desert Song- Hillsong
Shadow and Soul- Red
Lead Me to the Cross- Hillsong
Praise You In This Storm- Casting Crowns