But God! God’s blessing in a great time of darkness.

It is quite ironic how the assignments of my Christian theology class have been aligning weekly with my life. Since the start of this course I have dealt with a medical condition unlike any I have experienced before. I have several previous diagnoses ranging from SVT, digestive issues, mental disorders, anxiety, PTSD, migraines, TBI, etc. However, what has plagued me recently is unlike anything I have ever witnessed or felt. It all started suddenly, with no sign or warning, my heart was pounding, I could not breathe, my ears were ringing and buzzing, my equilibrium was destroyed, and I had a head rush like I have never experienced combined with a rush of heat over my chest and head, I knew I was going to lose consciousness. My husband was not home, and my children were in bed.

Long story short, that night I ended up in the ER with several tests being ran on me. This happened three more times before I was sent to see specialists. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and hypertension, and while the attacks have lessened in severity and frequency, they are still present. There were times where I dealt with it horribly and angrily. I felt defeated and full of dread. I wondered when it would ever end, and I sometimes still do wonder if God will take it away from me sooner rather than later. I made several trips to the ER thinking I was going to die; I was sure, I was having a heart attack. I have been to so many doctor appointments, and I have seen so many specialists, been poked and prodded, studied and at times simply blown off.

There are instances where I do not recognize the person that I am, I am weak-minded, anxiety ridden, physically exhausted, afraid, and in turmoil. Then there are instances, that with time have grown, where I have strength, where I know that this a spiritual battle, I have peace and comfort, content in God, joy in my family, and excitement in soon being back in the states.

I find comfort in God, my husband, my family, and my current GCU class. I particularly find comfort in prayer, studying the Bible, worshiping God, listening to sermons, studying for my Christian theology class, quoting scripture, choosing to speak life over my situation, and attending church. I also find comfort in being near my husband, having his support, and spending time with our children. My husband has been my absolute rock during this period and I honestly would be lost without him. In positive and strange ways, he has helped lead me closer to God and therefore, my relationship with God has grown and gotten stronger.

I am not done with this trial yet, but I believe I am almost through it, and God is using it to strengthen his purpose in me, and to bring good for my future. I also think this is not only to bring me closer to God, to get me one step closer to my calling, but to also help others who are and will be in need.

Blessed be always,

J.S. Yahweh’s daughter.

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