As I lay awake late at night knowing I’m alone
it is then I realize even during the daylight hours it is still the same
I am always alone
Yet you are here with me always no matter the time or place
It is here I realize I am never truly alone
For you guide me and protect me
You go before me always
Peace and love,
Remember that God loves you because of his grace and mercy! Stop telling yourself that prayer you haven’t prayed is too small or insignificant for God. That your being a bother to him. Those are lies!
God loves you and he wants you to talk to him. God already knows the desires of your heart. You only need confess to him, pray, and have faith! Pray God sized prayers for when you do, you will get God sized blessings. #BeExtraordinaryInPrayer
Peace and Love,
Inspiration from #God #Bible #Jesus #Blessing #AnsweredPrayers #Life #Love #TBN #JoelOsteen #JosephPrince
I know I have been pretty much MIA lately. For that I apologize. My family and I are on vacation for Christmas, and I haven’t had the opportunity to write or get on here and post my next blog about The Roman Empire.
I promise it’s done, except some minor grammatical errors that need correcting that I will post once I make it back to my laptop.
Until then, if I don’t make another post before Christmas I wanted to wish all of you an extraordinarly Merry Christmas!
Yesterday I made a short little post about negativity. It is something that stuck with me throughout yesterday into last night. I had a word to share on Facebook about it, and it was an on time word because it blessed a few of my friends. Today I’m going to share my status with you and the comment I made about it.
“The darkness your dealing with is for a reason. Only light can defeat it. Maybe that’s you or someone that’s in/entering your life. Don’t detest the process. Trust that everything is working for your good, to give you hope and a future. EPH 3:20, JER 29:11, JOHN 1:5.”. In my comments after hearing a good word from Joel Osteen on TV I went on to say “Also to add to this, negativity is the cause of darkness. Life and death are in the power of our words. If we are speaking it that’s what is gonna be the framework for our mind. Negativity is the manifestation of anxiety and hopelessness of negative thoughts. We all have to choose every moment of every day if we are going to be positive to one another or see the worst in each other. At the end of the day if negativity is what’s in your head then it will become you reality.”.
Now, I’m going to share with you one of my negative and dark subjects that still has a hold on me presently. Albeit, after last night it isn’t as strong, and God is delivering me from it, but I can still feel it’s nasty dark clutches holding on to try and regain the life it had attached to me. That darkness has a name. One of my many past darkness that is. This one in particular it’s name is fat. Yes you read that right, FAT. F. A. T. So in this particular case I suppose we shall go all the way back and then play up to current events. I do pray that whoever reads this gains understanding or encouragement for whatever battle you are facing today. Mwah!
Technically it started when I was in the 3rd grade. The first time someone called me fat. It was my cousin, and to be frank she was jealous I had “stolen” her boyfriend. Unbeknownst to me, the boy who wanted me to be his girlfriend was her crush. Oops. My bad cuz. It truly didn’t have any effect on me then though, because I was no where near fat. As a child I was always overly tall for my age and my gender. With that, came being skinny and a bit lanky.
At the age of 10 I got my first period and along with it boobs and a backside women would kill for. I kid you not, all of this in the span of two days. My hormones have always been a bit cuckoo like me I suppose. Anyhoo, I have also always been solidly built, strong and sturdy thighs, with good calves for support so I weighed about 100lbs at the time. Some of you will have opinions about that being skinny or not for my age, but I really don’t care because that was the last time in my life I could truly define myself as skinny and healthy together. As a flippin 10 year old! Soon after I started bleeding not so regularly till it came to the point where I was bed ridden, my mother had to carry me to the restroom, and she had to bathe me because I was literally wasting away from all the blood loss, not being able to eat, etc. When I drastically dropped to 75lbs she finally got the bright idea after so many months to take me to the Dr. who decided the best course of action would be to put me on birth control to regulate my periods; alas if my mom didn’t I would probably die from malnutrition and blood loss. My periods have never been close to normal or regular, but that’s not why we are here is it?
Needless to say I got better because I’m still alive and I also got FAT. Well chubby and overweight. I went from that 75lbs of skin and bones to 160lbs in a year. I was 11 and I came in at a whopping 160lbs and wore a junior’s size 9 at the height of about 5’3. This is unhealthy for a child, especially when the child gained all this weight by eating two layer cakes regularly by herself every week because her parents let her do whatever she pleased like morons. Yeah, to this day I have issues with eating cake. So during this time of my sickness and recovery I was being homeschooled and we lived in Atlanta. Shortly after that, we moved back to my tiny, hell hole, hometown. I was in 6th grade when the real degradation and bullying started. The first time that it actually hurt and stuck with me when someone called me an ugly word regarding my weight and body shape. That’s when it hit me and realization poured over me like molten gold that I was overweight and I had done to it myself. That my parent had let me do it and I was so angry and ashamed. That’s the day I decided to be Anorexic.
From 6th to 8th grade I was called numerous names by bullies, “friends”, my crush, and others that ranged from fat, chubby, hefty, chunky, and roily poily. In the 8th grade my crush made it his duty and my living nightmare to always make sure he was around the popular kids and walk behind me or just loudly declare “Hey it’s chunky monkey” or something of the variety that had “chunky monkey” in it. For these middle school years my anorexia took it’s toll on my mental stability combined with the bullying that happened at school. My weight constantly fluctuated, up and down, up and down, and so did my desire for food. Ironically in health class during 7th grade we were introduced to eating disorders. Of course Anorexia was in there, but so was another eating disorder I had heard of yet didn’t fully comprehend until that day. Bulimia. Yup, you read that right again! Health class gave me the great idea that being Bulimic on top of being Anorexic would be my “fat fix”.
So I did my research, and when I was forced to eat in front of anyone for the sake of saving face, and so no would discover my dirty little secret, I would just go throw it up in the bathroom as soon as I was done. I could be at home, school, a friend’s house, it didn’t really matter. When I was starving so severely that I just couldn’t take the hunger pains anymore I would binge as much food as I could mentally tolerate and then I would go shove my finger down my throat until nothing but bile came up. This went on until I was 14. You see though, it wasn’t just the kids at school that made fun of my physical appearance. It was also family members that poked fun and called me names. Using the excuse that they were just cutting the fool with me and didn’t mean it. Deep down I knew they did though, everyone did, no one ever made those sort of remarks to me before when I was skinny. Remarks like my grandmother and father made “You getting a little chunky there aren’t ya?” “Hey Porky” “Your mighty thick and a little fat huh kid?”.
Yeah enough of that. On to 9th grade and my final year with my eating disorders. I had managed to lose 20lbs and weighed 140-145 at the height of 5″6. I had large boobs and a big backside with thick thighs, many started to envy my body shape and became jealous that “Chunky Monkey Jordan” wasn’t so chunky anymore. I still wasn’t satisfied though, every time I looked in the mirror I saw that fat girl, felt her shame, the weight of all the names, and the guilt of all the things she had done to even had a mildly attractive physical appearance. Because guess what everyone? Words do hurt, it’s not just sticks and stones. I would much rather be physically hurt then endure another hateful comment, especially one about my weight or figure. In my freshman year I was introduced to cocaine. I easily and quickly became addicted to it. It wasn’t just about the rush or the effects of the drug itself that was so intoxicating for me. It was the complete loss of appetite, not even wanting to smell food because it made me sick, the weight loss that came with getting high on coke. That is truly what addicted me to it and chained me down to that vicious and ferocious drug.
Even in 9th grade before my true and final results from cocaine were in there was yet another horrible and humiliating day for me. My best friend at the time thought it would be a fun idea to pull my down my pants during break in front of the whole school. Out of sheer embarrassment all I could do was drop to the ground and try to cover myself before anyone else saw. Instead of ya know, pulling my pants back up. Everyone laughed, some made comments like gross, ew look at her fat thighs, I see crack, she looks fat without clothes. Not one person was kind, not one person I knew stopped to help me. Then a senior who to this day is my best friend came and covered me with his letter jacket as he helped me pull my pants back up, shooed the rest of the stragglers and yelled at them, then walked me to my locker and to the office to check out.
A year later at the age of 15 I was at my lowest weight ever and my unhealthiest. That didn’t matter to me though, I was finally skinny. I weighed 120lbs and I could wear size 3 or 4 jeans and I was so skinny that bones protruded out of my neck, collarbone, hips, and ribs. See I have a medium frame and it’s my now honest opinion that girls that have my frame shouldn’t weigh below a certain amount because we start to look sick, and most of us are because we don’t feel good enough for the rest of the world due to our size.
At 16 I was a high school dropout, got my GED, got into a major car wreck, and two weeks before my 17th birthday found out I was pregnant with my firstborn. After I had her I went back up to 140lbs. Which happens to be my lowest and healthiest weight. I wore a size 9, but I evened out quite well. My boobs were again huge, nice rear, thick thighs, and no sickly looking bones poking out of places that they shouldn’t be. I was almost confident in myself. Almost. Until my SO took the physically abuse to an emotional and mental level and started calling me fat, lazy, useless, worthless, nasty, etc. His brother took part of this too and they talked about how unattractive I was and how I was gross behind my back, but in ear’s reach constantly.
After I left him, needless to say I was back to being just as hard on myself as I was when I was that 12 year old chubby kid. Of course I had never really overcame my self image issues, nor had I conquered my shame and guilt of feeling not skinny enough. One of my friend’s with benefits told me I was pudgy and use to make it a usual joke every time we saw each other. Almost every guy I had a fling with told other people (that always came back and told me) that I was chubby, pudgy, or too meaty behind my back. This gave me the mindset that it must be true. After all, we are taught that if you have the same problem with more than one person than that problem is usually you. So here I was yet again, stuck with this disgusting and horrid body, no matter what I did, how hard I tried, I would never ever be skinny enough for anyone else or especially myself.
Then I met my husband. He thought I was God’s gift to earth and couldn’t have made me feel more special, pretty, sexy, and confident. Not to mention skinny or unfat. I got pregnant with our son though, and I gained a lot of weight. I went from 145 lbs and a size 9 to 185lbs and a size 12. After my son was a few months old the “baby weight” fell off and I was 165lbs once more and still in a size 12. It was the biggest I had ever been in my whole life and I was in denial for a year. My husband never said anything, he always made me feel beautiful, then one day, reality hit.
I had two strangers, on two separate occasions, in the span of a few months, not just ask, but congratulate me on my pregnancy. When I informed them I wasn’t pregnant, one responded with “Oh, I’m so sorry, it’s just you have such a nice, round, shapely belly.” and the other’s was horrendous laughing with “You should back off from that table muscle then and work on cutting back on that food, know what I’m saying girl?”. Yeah, never had I been accidentally mistaken as pregnant. I was determined to do it the right way this time for my children’s sakes. So I started working out with my boss who happened to be a personal trainer, 5 times a week, 2 hours a day. In 6 weeks I dropped back down to 145lbs and I was in a size 8-9 depending on the brand. I had abs and I felt absolutely amazing.
Over the next 4 years for whatever reason I continually lost weight, sometimes gained, but never went over a size 9. I plateaued at a size 6 and stayed there for over a year. It was at this point I had finally achieved my goal and was the smallest and healthiest I had ever been, and I was happy. Okay not truly happy and confident, I honestly don’t know if that is something I will ever be able to reach here on earth with my body image. However, it was as close as I could get. That was until last week.
See from July-September of this year I somehow without doing anything different, except maybe becoming more active gained 22lbs out of nowhere! LITERALLY! I know that is hard to believe but it happened. It all went straight to my hips, booty, and thighs. The thighs and booty part I wasn’t really upset about. But the hips, oh I was infuriated and ashamed. Those feelings started coming back up and rearing their ugly heads. Anytime I put on my jeans size 6 or 8 I have a muffin top. Partially due to my increased butt size and the other 50% due to increased hip size. My measurements for the past 4 years up until this point were a 38, 26, 36. Then they went up to a 40, 29, 40. Not so good…. AT ALL!!!! So I started working out, eating healthier, which is pretty hard for me because I already eat healthy as it is. As of 5 days ago I only have 7.8lbs to lose to get down to my goal weight. My measurements are 40, 28, 39.
I’m still unhappy and seeing a big issue here because my measurements haven’t changed much, I still can’t fit in my jeans without the muffin top, yet I have lost over half of what I gained?!?! What am I doing wrong? I’m currently in size 7/8 jeans high waisted only, otherwise, yup you guessed it! Muffin Top, and I refuse to let that happen. However, I figure a lot can change with another 8lbs to lose and I am seeing some progress so be grateful and positive. Stop with all the self-hate, not feeling good enough, negativity. Then the unthinkable happened. I’m not gonna come out and say it and put it on blast, but I’m pretty sure that you intelligent people can form and educated guess on what sent me down a long, dark, deep, downward, spiral last week that made me feel all of my hard work and progress has been for nought.
Why did it hurt so bad? Because of the trust that was there, because of the justification for the word said, for the sheer lack of concern and acknowledgment for what it caused me. Because my faith in God was made weak due to me letting another person control my emotions, I let my negativity and all the pain, the suffering, torment, shame, embarrassment, guilt, and truth of it all come rushing back in one quick and true strike.
I let one person dictate my feelings and how I viewed myself. Which in turn lead to me seeing myself as that same poor, helpless, lonely, unloved, fat girl who would never physically be good enough for anyone, but especially never good enough for herself. But see that’s a lie. It’s not true. It’s what the evil one wants me to think because that is what he does he goes and “roams around as a lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 I wasn’t alert, I was caught off guard by humiliation, and I was devoured, but only temporarily. Because everything happens for a reason and I know that I am “beautiful and I am wonderfully and fearfully made in the image of God.”
That “God’s grace is sufficient for me, his power is made perfect in my weakness, therefore I will glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Cor 12:9 I may not be down another 8lbs yet, but I’m on my way there and I will get there with determination and God’s help. I may have had “sorrow, but God will see me again, and my heart shall rejoice, and my joy no one will take away from me.” John 16:22 Because I am a child of the most high God, a royal co-heir with Christ, I am beautiful and I am the light that shines in the darkness, no number on a scale will dictate that, no past hurts will make me feel that pain, it will only be a distant memory. I have a great, big, God who is my Abba, that I can go and lean on, curl up in his lap, and talk to him about everything and he will still tell me how much he loves me, how proud he is of me, how perfect I am to him, and how wonderful I am inside and out because he created me.
So please beautiful person out there reading this, if you are struggling remember how beautiful you are, that you may be the only light in someone’s life, that though it is hard now peace and joy come in the morning. You may not be where you want to be today, but it’s another step closer. Don’t give up, have faith, rejoice in your pain, praise God on credit, thank him for the good and the bad. I ask that if you don’t know him, that you at least give him a chance and try getting to know him. I promise it will be the most rewarding thing you have ever done in this life and the next. For Jesus said “Come to me all those who are weary and heavy burdened, I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”. Matthew 11:28-30. As always and until next time,
Peace and Love,
Negativity will always justify itself. – Brian Houston
It uses experience to justify it’s existence. – Brian Houston
It chooses your friends for you. – Brian Houston
It’s contagious and clinging. – Brian Houston
It is always right in the mind of the negative.
The heart is from where the mouth flows. – The Holy Bible
If the heart is negative then the mouth will be negative.
Negativity is death of life itself.
It wasn’t meant as a backlash to solely pain me because of what I said to you. So your afterthought of an excuse is invalid. Your true feelings were the words that came out first. I know because I saw the look in your eyes and the grimacing smirk on your face.
I know because I see the misery swimming in the depths of your eyes every day. The icy cold glare that masks your hate every moment I’m in your presence.
Your actions don’t line up with your words. They never have, they have always been misleading. You have shown through your actions time again you’re spineless; unless it’s against me or mine, that’s when you have the biggest bones of any being I have ever known.
You have fianlly won. That’s it I surrender. You said the unthinkable and the unimaginable all due to your wounded pride because you won’t take the truth at face value. This time you struck true and hard with a force of honesty you have been hiding from me for some time now.
The wound you have made this time is unrepairable and I’m sure to you it won’t be understandable, but naive child you have never endured the suffering from this, no you do not truly fathom the intensity of pain and heartbreak those simple words gave me.
I want you to know it will be okay though, my heart will always hold you dear, but we must be apart. For this life we are living has drawn us down different walks. I hope you find happiness and Christ, that you take this as a lesson learned instead of a regret to hold forever.
Peace and Love,
I know I have totally bailed the past several days and I promised a history post. I also explained how detailed and intricate it was going to be, that it would take a while to write, and be extremely long and informative.
With that being said, I’m almost done with the ancient history part I wanted to focus on, and I have decided that it would probably be better for the readers to read segments at a time instead of this whole several page manuscript (for lack of a better word) I have going. I need to add some finishing touches to this piece of the puzzle and read it over and I will be posting it soon.
After that, you can expect to see several more similar pieces focused on different time periods and peoples. I’m going to do my best to go in direct chronological order, but with the sheer amount of information about all the different cultures, each separate post may bounce around, but it will still stay in it’s specific age. Don’t give up on me yet and hang tight! The first post will be ready very soon!!!
Peace and Love,
So last night I wrote this. Yes, I’m still working on my history piece! I told y’all it was gonna be HUGE. Anyhoo, while I have received an abundance of positivity, hope, courage, comfort, peace, and understanding since I wrote this…… I have also received revelation and gudinace with a touch of discernment that has put me at ease. However, I personally feel that this writing was too beautiful to not share (in it’s own painfully gorgeous way). Hope y’all enjoy.
The pain, the searing pain that I feel down to the very core of my soul.It goes so much deeper than just bones. It’s an earth shattering, heart breaking and wrenching, soul tearing pain.
It’s the pain that we all find ourselves too common experiencing.
This is not the first time my heart has broken and it surely is not the first time my heart has broken for the reason that it has currently. This time for some reason it feels so much more profound and deeper than before. There is no change that I have experienced, other than rededicating my life to God to explain this, and even with that I have had the protection of God from feeling this emotion as much as I normally would.
I’m literally stuck. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I pray for guidance from God and wait on his word to lead me down the path he has for me, and while I do I ask for peace, comfort, and courage. I use to ask for strength, but I realized that asking for that usually means your going to endure more hardships to make you stronger and I’m tired of hardships for now. Even though I will submit to as many hardships and trials as God wills, asks, and commands me to, right now I just need to breathe and get some of it out.
I’m a lonely person. Now there are many different ways to interpret this and I’m sure only the ones who truly feel the same way that I do and have will understand it. When I say lonely I don’t mean I’m lonely because I’m always alone or that I enjoy having people around me or being social the majority of the time. Because I don’t, for a Christian I really have a hard time not hating human interaction. What I mean to say is that even when I’m around people I’m lonely. Even if it’s the people that I care the most about and are suppose to return those feelings. This I suppose explains one of the reasons for my anxiety because I’m perpetually alone. Don’t get me wrong that’s not a bad thing all the time. I enjoy my alone time when I have the house to myself or when I do something by myself, I need that for my sanity and for my time with God, but when I want that human companionship especially the soulmate kind that you get from being married and it’s not there, it’s completely absent; I’m left feeling torn and tattered and used.
You see I have never truly experienced what it is like to not be this kind of lonely. I have God yes, and I know he is always there and always will be. That he will never leave me or forsake me. That should be enough, that should be plenty, it should be overwhelmingly sufficient. When I got married though I assumed that this feeling would finally leave me or at least temporarily. Since I am a military wife I knew that I was going to have to experience a lot of loneliness, but not this kind, not the kind where he is right there, yet he is so far away, where no matter what I say or how I try to articulate my words it will never be enough to convey the sheer pain and fear I feel. That’s when my ego is low enough to share these thoughts and I feel safe enough to trust him with these words. That usually ends up being a stupid idea for various reasons.
This time it’s all different this time I know, deep down, in my heart of hearts that this is God willing me in his direction for me. Though I may not know what direction that is yet, and if this is simply a test of my marriage or if I’m meant to not be married right now, I know that either way it’s going to get very messy and very ugly before it gets better. Simply because right before your biggest breakthrough comes your hardest struggle. “Don’t grow weary in well doing and faint not so you may reap your reward”. I sincerely hope this isn’t me growing weary and that it’s okay for me to have normal human emotions. That it’s okay to allow myself to feel the utter agony and torment that feels like my chest caving in, my heart being ripped out from chest, and my bones that are suppose to protect this precious jewel shattering all around, while the rest of me slowly sags and disintegrates into millions of tiny ashes. Although, my mind is still intact for every single tiny little detail of an emotion. It’s completely excruciating and irrevocably terrifying.
Part That’s Holding On- Red
East to West- Casting Crowns
Oceans- Hillsong United
Wrong Side of Heaven- Five Finger Death Punch
Desert Song- Hillsong
Shadow and Soul- Red
Lead Me to the Cross- Hillsong
Praise You In This Storm- Casting Crowns
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