The Truth In My Eyes

What he does and says:

I’m stuck up his a** 24/7

I’m broken because I break myself (He consoles everyone but me).

He defends all his actions

When I cry he fights with me for it.

Everything is my fault

It’s my fault I cry

We fight: I kept him up, if he went to sleep I would use it against him.

I’m the gaslighter

It’s always about me

I pick fights

I don’t listen

I blew all his money

I still blow all his money.

All of our income is his money.

He allows me to spend it.

When he has went off alone he ended up drinking and being with girls. He lied to me and shut his phone off. Several occasions.

He did something with her.

He still defends his dance (sex with clothes on in front of my face) with that other mousy twit.

He calls me awful names because of things that have happened to me (due to his decisions and what he did), he had a lapdance by strippers at a unamed place, and he lied about that.

I’m lazy

I’m a whore

I’m a selfish

I’m self centered

I’m psychotic

I’m crazy

I’m a b***h

I’m a c**t

He is already in hell because of me.

What I see:

It’s never about me. When I bring up things is when he wants to point the finger.

He never talks unless I want to talk.

He projects his feelings and actions onto me.

He presumes my behavior and thoughts, and those are normally way off.

He refuses to admit he is wrong or see my side

He pacifies me and manipulates me when he wants something.

He acts like everything is cool when it’s clearly not.

My feelings are invalid

I am invalid

He blames my heart on me and me alone

He treats others better than me and puts his family and job above me.

He said he’d be perfectly happy if everyone on the planet, but his kids died.

It’s aways on me.

It’s always my fault.

He never sees the good or acknowledges it.

It’s always wrong and what I’m not doing.

He doesn’t show me any affection, physical, emotional, or words.

I’m clingy and a burden.

My feelings don’t matter

He doesn’t listen

I’m doing it on my own

He patronizes and condsecends.

He treats me like a whore.

I have to help him with his military stuff too, if he doesn’t have help or reminders it doesn’t get done

He’s always on his phone or playing video games, and if it is not important to him then it doesn’t matter.

He is inconvienced by everything.

He wants to spend spend spend. Spend money on things we don’t need or even have.

He refuses to handle anything that could affect him legally or not, because he won’t t deal with conflict.

He’d rather suffer

He’d rather the kids and I suffer.

OH MY GEESH…It’s a TWEEN..NOOOO!!

26I don’t even know where to start or begin, work in, find a middle or end. What a doozy.

SN: Sit down, prepare yourself, get a cup of coffee, sweet tea, or whatever your heart’s desire. This is a rather long post and probably one of the most interesting to date. For some of you maybe even mind-blowing. Enjoy!

I have a tween….. I’m still learning to figure out how to control my emotions because well let’s face it I never really was taught how to be a sociably acceptable human being, and until I met my husband I never truly realized the depth of how far down my emotions, specifically anger went. Now my eldest is a tween. A flipping adolescent who is giving me a run for my money on attitude and emotional control. I never really had an issue with respecting my elders or being ungrateful for what I had in life. I definitely had an issue with seeing everything from the pessimistic point of view, and that is something I still struggle with today.

They say that your children specifically the one who is the same gender as you AND firstborn is the one that’s supposedly guaranteed to give you 10x’s more of your own worst attributes than you ever thought possible. I really believed this to be a myth or an old wives tale. It was realized as fact with my daughter. She is so much of me, good and bad, light and dark, wonderful, amazing, resilient, and eager. Yet she is also the worst part of me and then some. I really see a lot of my mother in her. Sometimes I wonder how it missed me (Thank you Jesus) and hit her. She seems to have inherited the worst qualities that woman has ever, and still does possess. The sheer mouthiness and lack of utter respect that she has for me and her father, or any adults much less any other human being drives me to a maddening point. At such a point I’m forced to separate myself from her before I lose my religion and say something that can’t be unsaid. In the age of offense and safe spaces I fear that my daughter is going to grow up to be a whining, narcissistic, liberal, sociopath with one of the biggest senses of entitlement to be seen yet.

I remember the day she was born, I remember how hard she fought for her life those first 72 hours, and the first two weeks she bravely refuted the odds in that little incubator. She showed me her first bit of fight and courage. Through her first year of life she showed my amazing resiliency and the will to learn no matter the circumstances. When she met my husband at the age of two she had no reservations or fear of this new man beside her mommy. She openly welcomed him into her life with her baby dolls, tea parties, pretend castles, forts, hot wheels, and dress up clothes that usually ended up muddy outside from her bike rides and adventures. She gave him a chance before I did and she did so with only that love and openness an innocent child with pure love can do. Sometimes I wonder if she was as happy as I was on our wedding day. The joy in her face and the twinkle in her eye. The constant laughter and sheer excitement that had her bouncing up and down the beach through the sand as we tried to keep her dress nice and clean. In her mind her daddy found her and he was her’s forever.

Through the next few year’s as various family members re-entered her life and proceeded to walk out of it then forcefully re-enter it again she started to change. Gone was that gleeful joy on her face that no one could ever take away, and it was replaced with concern and fear of the upheaval taking place in her life. It was later replaced with acceptance and understanding of why these things had happened as she still held on to that spark in her eye and the happiness inside. However, I knew, as a mother you only have to feel the essence your child carries to know what’s changed and why. That is until they become tiny, little, hormone raging, psychopaths with the intent to drive you insane before they turn 16.

Savanna started rebelling at the age of 7, it has been ever present since, but she hit her plateau of mischief and utter spitefulness at the age of 8. She had seen six different doctors, two of which were counselors, two psychiatrists, and two pediatrician’s. All of them agreed she had ADHD as well as Anxiety. Her first psychiatrist who we took her to for testing stated she was suffering from not only ADHD and Anxiety, but an unspecified mood disorder and ODD. Savanna started seeing a counselor during this time and was referred to a psychiatrist by her pediatrician. Her new psychiatrist had an in house counselor who Savanna started seeing as well as her other counselor, and they all agreed she was most certainly ADHD positive, suffered from GAD, and a kick of anxiety separation. Her psych believed she also suffered from unspecified mood disorder and her in house counselor agreed. However, only her psych believed that she suffered from ODD. They all did agree though, that all of her disorders and disabilities were due to the traumatic experiences she had been through so young in life; and the constant upheaval of people who should have been permanent parts of her life making themselves available whenever convenient for them.

I am by no means exonerated from this, as if I were more mature at the time I probably could have handled things quite a bit differently that would have resulted in either a) the permanent removal of said people, or b) I could have at the very least done something about it sooner. Nevertheless, what is done is indeed done. Savanna was put on medication to help with her ADHD as she had trouble with schooling, and as the medication intensified her anxiety she was put on an anti-depressant to help relieve this effect. She is now 10 and is off the ADHD medication completely and doing quite well without it. She is on the lowest dose of her anti-depressant medication and will hopefully be completely off of it by the start of the new year. The improvements she has made in the past year is by far more than leaps and bound and I’m starting to see that little girl who’s joy knew no limits uncover herself right before my eyes again.

Unfortunately, with that comes the little girl who truly believes she knows best and is in her own right an adult capable of making most decisions for herself on her own. Not only does she think this way, she behaves this way, and acts on it. She does this at home, school, in public places, in other people’s homes, and even at church in the past. I know most of it goes hand in hand with the age and the territory, but this is on another entirely different level and playing field. How quickly her bright, beautiful, loving, blue eyes can turn to menacing, deceitful, mocking pits of terror truly shakes me to my core. Savanna is infatuated with boys, has already had her first sneak peek into watching porn, bye-bye tablet, habitually lies to make herself look as innocent as possible, and is the youngest master manipulator I know. The force is strong with this one and the dark side would love to have her as their new reigning Sith Lord.

To bring you a scale deeper and to clear up a few things stated above I will enlighten you on a bit of Savanna’s unacceptable behaviors that came to her as a learned behavior. Mind you these are just a few of the MANY behaviors my daughter has exhibited. My mother, who is a qualified, narcissistic, bi-polar sociopath has told Savanna countless times since the age of 2 that she does not have to listen to me or my husband. That it is okay for her to do what she wants as long as she listens to her mammie AKA my mom. She has also ingrained in my daughter that it is okay to lie to me, and other adults as long as she tells her mammie the truth, and it is also okay to keep secrets; but with mammie only. My mother has basically brainwashed my daughter into believing it is okay to disrespect your elders, not follow directions, lie to everyone, and keep secrets no matter what they are. As long as it’s with every other person on this planet except my mother. Not only has my mother told my daughter this, but she has also shown her that it is okay by her actions. My mother has lied to me and countless others numerous times in front of Savanna, she enables her negative behavior by arguing with me, and questioning me and my authority in front of my daughter; and she has also badgered Savanna several times by asking her asinine questions.

Such as:

  • Are you happy with your parents?
  • Are mommy and daddy nice to you?
  • Would you like to come live with me?
  • Do you get what you want here?
  • Do you feel loved?
  • Do they feed you enough?
  • Do you feel abused or neglected?
  • Do you think you need more attention?
  • Do you think they care more about your younger brother than they do you?

Now. I understand that if this was a normal situation and my relatives were normal people then some of these questions seem completely appropriate, and it’s just my mother being a normal grandma. However, this is not the case. When my mother took advantage of me joining the military and having to grant her temporary guardianship of my daughter (so that I could leave for basic) by trying to come and take my child from me and gain full permanent custody the following year because she did not like the way I was raising her is not a normal action. When my mother called my daughter’s paternal grandmother and made up countless lies to her so that she would call DFCS on my husband and I so that they together could try to get my daughter’s biological father custody of my daughter is not normal. When my mother also called every single other member in my family who would listen to her on both sides of my family to try and make me out to be a horrible, abusive, mean, neglectful mother to my child is not normal.

I’m sure you are wondering some of the following questions as I would wonder some of the same:

  • Why did she do all those things?
  • What made her think all these horrible things about you?
  • Is any of it true?
  • Are you a bad parent?
  • How do you know she did all these things?
  • Why should I believe anything you are posting here? This is just your side of the story.

LET me tell you. I’m more than happy to answer those questions. One my mother is insane. As listed above she is the most narcissistic textbook sociopath I know. She is also bi-polar and a hypochondriac to boot. Secondly, I think that because my mother helped me raise my daughter for 18 months of her life that she feels entitled to her somehow. Thirdly, I think that because she watched what my daughter and I went through with her biological father that she didn’t trust me to do right by my own child. Finally, I also think that because of all the mistakes she made with me, she projected these same attributes onto me and has now convinced herself that I am the person she makes me out to be.

If you need any further explanation on questions 1 and or 2, or you are unsure of what a narcissist and a sociopath is please use Google and educate yourself, it is rather intense and interesting to say the least. If you are a geek like me in how the human mind works. In a nutshell these people are some of the most selfish, controlling, manipulative, habitual lying, vindictive, entitled, and offended people you will ever meet. Not to mention they are always playing the victim card and never seem to know what they did wrong to anyone. When the same problem reoccurs with not just one person but several you are probably the problem. Ever hear that saying? Yeah? Been through it? You have either a) dealt with someone in gross denial about a particular trait or b)came into contact with a narcissist.

Number 3 and 4. No. I was investigated by DFCS, my husband and I both were for the phone calls made by my daughter’s “concerned” grandmother’s and they cleared us of any neglectful, abusive, or improper care of both of our children. Which was just one of the many traumatic experiences my daughter had to go through. Thanks mom! I do not think I’m a bad parent, nor do I believe I’m supermom either. Have I made mistakes in parenting before? Yes. Could I have made better choices? Yes. Do my children go without? No. Are they properly clothed, fed, housed, cared for, and loved? Yes. 110% Are they spoiled? To an extent. Are they disciplined? Yes. Are they abused? No. Do I make them do chores? Yes. They are taught you have to earn things that they can not just be handed to you.

Number 5. I know she did all these things, because of the following:

  • My daughter’s paternal grandmother called me and told me
  • One of the caseworkers at the DFCS slipped and told me
  • The majority of my family members all called and told me the viscous rumors and lies my mother had made up about me and my husband.
  • My daughter told me when she was 9 years old all the things my mother had told her after intensive psychological treatment from her doctors.

Number 6. Well now you don’t’ have to do you? That’s the beauty of the internet, some things can be proven and verified while others can’t. Either way it’s not going to affect me in the slightest what you choose to believe and not believe. I’m simply sharing this because it’s my blog and my tween drove me to the brink of insanity last night. None of this makes me love her any less, nor does it hinder her intelligence, dull her shine, make her less capable of love, or less of the most beautiful girl I have ever created with my body, and surely nonetheless miraculous. I hope that someone out there that needs some help and advice or just simply needs to know they aren’t alone and aren’t crazy reads this and realizes that their stable and more than likely a good parent trying to do their best with an unruly child. Or maybe you have a crazy family member that you just can’t deal with anymore and you are seriously considering suicide or going and seeing a doctor to pour out your mind’s antics.

Let me tell you, you are not alone, you are brave, you are beautiful, and the apple of God’s eye. As one of my favorite Pastor’s says hitting control+alt+delete in real life isn’t mean. It is sometimes necessary and doesn’t mean you stop loving that person. It simply means you love yourself enough to let them go. Put them on the balcony and let them watch you from a distance. Until next time, as always

Peace and Love,

J.